“I was outside putting the rubbish out, right” Ideal Brown says “and I saw this kid in a nightgown running around with an electric toothbrush in the dark”.
I ask if she was white and blonde and he said yes.
She was the child whose “mam” was “in bed” when I was out scouting for the cat. she was about 5 or 6.
I relax and think “Good. If she’s got an electric toothbrush, she can’t possibly be neglected”
and then to replace that thought “`What if she falls while the toothbrush is in her mouth?”
There’s nothing more disappointing than arriving at work to discover that your snacky oh-god-when’s-lunch? fruit got damaged in transit.
Apparently without buying one of those off-putting banana cases, you’re not going to get one to work unscathed. As if that’s the only fruit that requires an awkward moving solution.
There’s a yawning gap in the every-man market here.
It seems that I have found the most space-effective and easy mode of transport for round, soft fruits (arguably, the worst to carry on your person).
As I nestled a ripe nectarine into each of my gym shoes, I made a very stern mental note to wash my fruit before eating it.
When I arrived at the office they looked impeccable. I put them on my desk with the rest of my crap and then immediately got caught up in trying to get as much work done as quickly as possible.
Half way through eating the first, I realised that I was ingesting my very own gym shoe bacteria.
It’s almost nice to have more important things to worry about than where your food has been.
What isn’t nice is how little I have going on, which is something I realised half way through writing this post.
When you blog about triumphing over foot bacteria, you’re a winner and a loser.
Today I learned that a mate teabagged a stranger that had passed out in the street.
I don’t think it was the sort of teabaging that involves any imbibing; I think it was just the rested-atop-head kind of teabag.
“You teabagged a stranger?!” I shouted (because teabagging an acquaintance is somehow less hilarious) and he said
“Yes. That’s the time I got arrested”
Apparently of the two of us, I’m stranger because I’ve never known a teabagger or teabaggee.
As if I wasn’t sufficiently tickled, there turns out to be a video of the incident in existence (made by drunk people outside the pub) as well as an official recording made by the police in which my friend stares down a camera and explains his offense.
He asked if he could buy if off them afterwards.
“and what did they say?” I asked.
“they told us to fuck off” he said.
I’ve got some new friends.
We spend a lot of time bringing each other up to speed.
I think I love you. Please contact Skirt and get them to stock your clothing in Newcastle-upon-Tyne. Then let me design a print for you. We can be best friends.
Shrek 4: Disappointing
Greenberg: No
Clash of the Titans: No
The Runaways: Doable, better than Fine
The A-Team: Fine
Cop-Out: No
The Virgin Suicides: Yes, Obviously. Read the book as well
The Messengers: Touch and Go
Unthinkable: Yes
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo: Rape scene successfully upsetting. Read the book instead
Repo Men: Yes. Welcome back, Jude. Who knew he could be funny? It’s been a long time since I’ve seen good use of blood spray. Gore was the right colour to boot.
That’s all.
