“You’re a claw hammer kind of girl”

We went to see Equus on Monday night. When the A4 blue-tacked posters warned of partial nudity, I didn’t bat an eyelid.

Sure, there’ll be nudity. I see getting your kit off on stage as the career equivalent of film actors losing drastic amounts of weight for a role. Or actresses doing the opposite (as well as maybe forgetting mascara and playing a man hating lesbian). The product is meant to be success and recognition, isn’t it? At least, that’s my misguided (probably unfair) view.

 Anyway. Alfie Allen got his cock out. And then Laura O’ Toole the stable hand kicked her clothes to one side too. It wasn’t so much “partial nudity” as “is that shaved?”. To be fair, you would have to spread legs and pull back foreskins for anything more to have shown.

And all this would’ve been fine had the couple in front of us not been there. She wore a chiffon floral dress, black shawl and constant yet tentative hair patting. He wore a crisp suit and a fixed nervous grin. They gave off a distinct first-date vibe. Which made me want to curl up into myself and die for them as the penis of the moment leaped about with every one of its owner’s movements.

I bet they wish they went for drinks instead.

I didn’t answer it.

Come to think of it, I didn’t know They even bothered with that sort of thing anymore. Anyone would’ve thought that They had enough recruits by now. At least enough to fuck off and leave me in peace. Or sin. Or whatever.

However, if someone came to my door and told me that watching Skins every Monday night would enrich my life, I’d believe them. I’d even thank them. And I’d be entertained for a solid hour every week. I am entertained for a solid hour every week. Whereas today, I could’ve been bored for as long as it would take me to think up a lie. “I’m sorry, I’ve got to get to the airport” was my mom’s one. It seemed nicer than “I’m sorry, I think you’re talking shit”.

In retrospect I probably should’ve opened the door. And then I could’ve told Them that they could still catch Monday’s episode of Skins on Virgin replay.

Watch

I can’t believe how gorgeous and exciting this is.

There is a moderate risk of a severe event affecting Eastern Scotland and northeastern England. There is a potential for heavy snow with 5 to 10 cms possible over higher ground, and temporary accumulations of up to 2 cm at low-levels. The risk increases during the second part of the day as colder air spreads southwards.

Issued at: 1025 Tue 18 Mar

Please snow. I’ll take two pissy centimetres. Please.